Archive for the ‘5 Things’ Category

Apr
17
2013

How NOT to grow spiritually

How does a person grow? Specifically, for followers of Jesus, how does a person grow spiritually? Another word for growth is sanctification–that supernatural process by which the Holy Spirit takes the Word of God and forms us into Christ’s image. Growth is primarily a work that God does in us–I can’t, essentially, make myself grow.

And yet you can’t escape the New Testament’s overwhelming pulse that God commands us to intentionally pursue Him, that growth is, in some ways, our job as Christians. There are quite a few texts that illuminate this, but 1 Timothy 4:7 comes to mind. Paul here tells us to “discipline ourselves to godliness.” In other words, yes the Holy Spirit does the work in us, but we also will not grow if our Christian life consists of us sitting on the couch and waiting for growth to happen.

So how do we grow? What are the tools God uses? That question could fill up a year’s worth of blog posts. It certainly has motivated the writing of many books, sermons, etc. But maybe a better question is this: what are some ways to ensure that we DON’T grow spiritually? I’ve got five ways to ensure that you, as a Christian, do NOT grow spiritually:

1) Don’t Be Intentional About Your Spiritual Life. I’m amazed at how little Christians prioritize their spiritual growth. If you treat church as something you do if you can feel like it, then don’t be surprised if you don’t “get fed” at the place you worship. If you don’t intentionally pursue knowledge about God through reading of good books and listening to good podcasts, don’t be surprised at a lack of spiritual fruit. If you don’t prioritize a study of God’s Word, prayer, and the spiritual disciplines, you will not see continued growth. You will stay the same. If you don’t want to grow in Christ, make sure your spiritual life is something that gets the leftovers of your times and energy and effort. Make sure you never read a book that makes you get out a dictionary. Feed your soul on the light fare and the junk food.

2) Always Hang Out With People Just Like You. One of the ways God stretches us is by placing us with people who are radically different from us. We live in a world of radical individualization and, if you are not careful, this can creep into your life, especially as you get older and more secure in your worldview. You’ll be tempted to hang out only with people who agree with you and reinforce your own biases. This will ensure that you have the exact same opinion on every single issue as you did five years ago. It will also keep you from being exposed to people from differing cultures, tribes, and perspectives. If you don’t want to grow, keep looking for friends, churches, associations, blogs, books that just tell you what you like to hear all the time. Make sure you never have conversations with people who disagree with you, radically. Yeah, do that. This is a real growth killer.

3) Never take any risks. If you want to ensure that you are the same exact person you were five years ago, be so conservative in everything you do that you don’t take any risks. But here’s the thing, if you construct a life with minimal risk, you’re essentially editing out the need for faith. I heard this last week from a talk by Bryan Lorits. He essentially said that faith assumes risk. Imagine if Abraham stayed in Ur, because Ur was more secure. Would he have experienced all the richness of God’s love? Would he have grown into the mighty man of faith we see in Hebrews 11? No, he wouldn’t have. We probably wouldn’t have heard of him, would we? Take some risks in life. Put yourself in some situations, relationships, job assignments–that are completely and totally foreign, that will require maximum effort and knee-knocking faith.

4) Keep patting yourself on the back. There is a reason that the Bible says that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10). You only grow and you only find wisdom for life when you realize that you need to grow and that you need wisdom for life. Lot of young guys do this. They don’t read, study, ask questions, because they think they’ve got it figured out. This was me until I became a father of four and realized I have no clue about life and I need God to pour wisdom into me. I find this dynamic in my role as a pastor. The most humble, searching, digging-into-the-Scriptures guys are the ones who have lots of responsibility (family, job, etc). They know they are in need of divine guidance. If you don’t want to really grow spiritually, keep thinking you know stuff. Wisdom only comes after you’ve bowed your knee in humility to the God who knows all things. As long as you think you are the master of your universe and that you don’t need any help with anything, you will ensure that you will not grow.

5) Chase trends and dis faithfulness. If you want to have a life of unfruitfulness, keep chasing new trends and paradigms. Keep looking for the easy way out, the shortcut. People who stay the same are people who don’t like to work hard at growth, who don’t want to put in the blood, sweat, and tears of a life of impact. My generation–we love to talk big about how we are going to change the world–but I wonder if we value faithfulness and steadiness like previous generations. If you want an insignificant life of spurts and starts and stops, keep chasing the next big thing, keep avoiding the hard choices, the sweat, the grind of daily life. Keeping your hand at the wheel, year after year, ensures a life of depth, of weight, of character.

Apr
10
2013

5 Ways Adult Children Can Honor Their Parents

How should an adult grown (presumably married, but not necessarily) child relate to his or her parents? There is a tension in Scripture between obeying the Scripture which says to “leave and cleave” in forming your own adult identity and family (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5) and obeying the Scripture which says to “honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:2).

Every family has it’s own rhythm. Every family has its own share of circumstances, from abusive to permissive to annoying, etc. So how one adult child handles his or her parents isn’t necessarily a blueprint for another. Still, the Scriptures seem to indicate an intentional approach to the way we love our parents as adults.

This is a journey I’ve travelled in the last few years. I seem to have endured the typical cycle: being cared for and nurtured by my parents as a child, distancing and forming my own identity as a teen (though still wanting their money and food), thinking my generation will solve all the mistakes my parents made, and finally where I am today: appreciating my parents and figuring out how I can love them better. I’m guessing you’ve travelled a similar road.

As I’ve pondered this important relationships, I’ve come up with five general guidelines for the way adult children should handle their parents. Like most of my lists, this is not exhaustive and I know that after reading this some outraged and enterprising blogger will create a response. So be it. Here’s the list:

1) Always respect your parents, even when it is difficult. By honoring, I think the Bible is saying more than simple respect. But it’s not saying less. I’m amazed at how I hear otherwise good, godly people treat their parents. I’ve been in nursing homes where kids are literally yelling and berating their parents. I realize that sometimes parents are not the easiest people to love, but this is why love is something we do and is not something we feel. Your parents, regardless of their flaws, brought you into the world. They nurtured and cared for you and loved you the best way they can. Give them some respect, treat them with kindness and deference, and realize that one day you’ll be the one with the walker and the really bad elastic pants. You don’t want your kids yelling at you that way, do you?

2) Find ways to affirm the good things they did in your childhood. I’m not sure there is a generation with more childhood angst than mine. We really think our parents messed everything up so badly and that we’ll get it just right. I thought this way right up until I became a father and realized just how difficult parenting could be. I understand the need for cartharsis and fleshing out past hurts and using your past as context for your future. Yes, I get it. But do we have to start every negative conversation with, “Growing up . . . .” I’m speaking to myself here. Let’s instead find ways to affirm the good our parents gave us–which is likely a lot more than we think. Let’s tell them to their faces how much we appreciate their care, their love, their goodness. Parents, especially as they age, can be incredibly reflective. They question themselves, Did I do the right thing? They have regrets, some even have shame. So be an encouragement to your parents. Do this often and do it with intentionality.

3) Find ways to bless them in physical ways. Sometimes this simply means going out for coffee and shutting up and letting them talk. Let them tell those same stories they’ve told before. It’s good for them and good for you. Sometimes this means lending financial support if your parents fall on hard times (and please, save the lectures on wise money management. You should not be Dave Ramsey to your parents. Just help them if you can). Sometimes this means doing physical things, helping them clean out their home, taking them to doctor appointments, the airport, or anything they need. Sometimes this means allowing them, in advanced age, to stay in your home and care for them. All of this, I think, is in the spirit of what the Scripture says when it says to “honor your father and mother.” It means to make sure they are always well-cared for as best you can. It’s ironic how the life cycle goes, is it not? Our parents spend their most productive years caring for us and now we get to return the favor and care for them.

4) Set healthy boundaries. You need to set healthy boundaries with your parents so they know where the lines are between your family and them. They don’t always know this and sometimes if the distance is too big, they think they are imposing every time they come over. If the distance is too small, it can suffocate your own family. You need to “leave” your parents in the sense that you need to be financially and physically separate as best you can. You’ll have to have some frank conversations at times. Again, every situation is different, so no judgement here, just some general wisdom. In setting boundaries, always, always, always do it with grace and respect (see #1 above). Make sure you are making your own decisions in your family, but don’t hesitate to ask your parents advice. You don’t have to take it but you just might learn something from it and it will make them feel good as well.

5) Don’t try to change your parents. The real way to love and honor your parents is to simply just love and honor them, despite their flaws, despite the annoying things you disliked when you were a kid. Put up with whatever it is they do that annoys you. Do it, not because you’ll get a tangible benefit, but because they are your parents and you are to love them. Let them know they are welcome in your home, that you enjoy having them around, that they don’t have to walk on eggshells around you. Yes, you’re way of doing family may be different (that’s okay), yes they will probably give your kids candy before dinner (that’s okay, too), yes you wish they were a little more this way or a tad more that way. But hey, they are your parents, they brought you into the world, and if you are serious about obeying and following Jesus, you’ll honor them and love them.

 

Mar
13
2013

5 Hard Truths for Parents

I hesitate to write a parenting post, only because I’m not an expert, just a father trying his best to parent the way God wants me to. Our kids are still young, so there is no “finished product” to evaluate to see if what I’m saying even makes sense. So when you read the following, take those above caveats in mind.

Parenting involves hard truths. It is a way that God searches your heart, humbles you, and softens you for His service. I’ve learned five hard truths about being parent, that I’d like to share with you:

1) There is no guarantee that your kid will be great. When I say greatness, I mainly mean biblical greatness, which involves knowing, loving, and serving God. It means living above the world, living an extraordinary life on mission. I’m referring to kids who become adults who have an impact for Christ on their generation. It’s hard to accept the fact that God doesn’t really give us a guarantee that our kids will achieve this. We need to disabuse ourselves of the bad theology that says Proverbs 22:6 is an ironclad guarantee that if we “follow the formula”, inserting our kids in one end of the evangelical assembly line, that they will come out at the other end as perfectly formed Christians. This is not a note of despair, but a breath of fresh air. It means that our job is to simply be faithful with our children, to provide the kind of loving, nurturing, providing, spiritual environment where faith can best grow. We’re to sacrifice for them, discipline them, teach them, and motivate them to fulfill God’s call on their lives. But we cannot change our children. We cannot alter their hearts. Only God through the regenerating work of His Holy Spirit can produce the kind of righteousness we would like to see. This is very important, both for lazy parents who are tempted to be less than faithful and overly analytical parents who bludgeon themselves daily with the false notion that they are constantly failing.This reality is why we must pray fervently for our kids.

2) Your child, upon entering life, is a sinner in need of regeneration. Nobody likes to think of their child as the bad kid, right? I’m amazed at how blind we parents can be to the faults of our own kids and supersonically sensitive to the faults of the kids of other parents. It seems our generation is likely to be more defensive on this than our parent’s generation, but maybe that’s just my experience. It seems that we parents are more likely to defend our child at all costs against any accusation of misbehavior and constantly point it back at the other kids, whose parents are obviously less intentional than we. But if we believe what the Scripture says about humanity, about the Fall, about every person’s desperate need for redemptive grace, then we’ll stop hurting our children by defending their sin. The truth is that one day it may be the other kid that commits the outrageous acts in the church nursery and then the next week it may be my child. I must constantly remind myself that my child needs a work of the Spirit as much as the other kids. Parents, we need to be less sensitive when it comes to criticism and/or correction of our kids by other parents and we need to acknowledge that our kids are not the perfect angels we like to think they are.

3) There is no method, no strategy, no system that can do the work of the Holy Spirit. We evangelicals love our parenting formulas and every year the strategies seem to change. Now, I’m grateful for the many tools provided by ministries like Family Life Today and Focus on the Family and other organizations. They have helped Angela and I immensely. I’m grateful for books, for seminars, for conferences. But I have come to realize that I must first pray for my child’s salvation. That is to say that it is my hope and prayer that each of one of our children come to faith in Christ as their Lord and Savior. Why? Not only do I care deeply about their eternal destiny and their intimacy with God now, but the Holy Spirit is the only agent who can actively change my child’s heart. Parenting is much more of a joy when the Holy Spirit is doing His work in the lives of my children. The Spirit can take my faithfulness, my teaching, the environment I create and can use that to work in the heart and lives of my children. There is a great temptation to sort of “forget” or “eliminate” the role of the Spirit in parenting. We can too easily become enamored with our system of character-formation (which is important) and almost convince ourselves that parenting is all up to us. Yep, our kids will be good because we did it right! That’s humanism. You don’t have to be a Christian to parent this way. It leaves no room for the miracle of the gospel.

4) You will make a lot of really big mistakes You are not going to get it all right in your parenting. You will have glaring blindspots that your kids will one day lament as they consider their own parenting. But guess what? This is where God’s grace bleeds through. Be faithful, be humble, be apologetic, be present–and God will use you to mold the lives of your kids. It’s better to realize this up front than to fool yourself into thinking that you’ll be perfect, that whatever mistakes your parents made you will now iron out. It’s better not to convince yourself that you’ve finally mastered the balance between grace and law in your home. It’s better to go through your parenting years with the humility to realize you don’t have all the answers, the grace to apologize when you mess up, and the confidence that God can somehow take your flawed efforts and shape the hearts of your children. What encourages me about my children is to know that God loves them infinitely more than I love them, that God wants their spiritual success, their wholeness, their character more than I do. It encourages me to think that the huge, glaring gaps in my parenting will be filled by the Heavenly Father.

5) You need to unselfishly prepare them for their mission. The biggest temptation we parents face, I think, is to consider our kids as our kids rather than God’s children. Don’t misunderstand me, when I look at my children, I think all the time, Wow, these are my kids, this is awesome. And yet I have to remind myself that they are God’s children more than they are my children. This matters because it affects the way we parent. If we have children for our own pleasure and enjoyment, they will ultimately disappoint us. And we will ruin them by trying to mold and shape them, either into our own image or into the person who completes what we feel we lack. Instead, like Abraham, like Hannah we must relinquish control of our children to the Lord for his mission. This means rather than overprotecting them in a germ-less Christian bubble, we teach them and train them and equip them for life. We don’t assume the gospel and the great doctrines of the Christian faith, we drill these truths deep into their hearts and souls, so that they can carry this deposit of faith in their generation. It means we start teaching them essential life skills so they can go into the world and make a difference. It means we work hard at identifying their gifts and talents and how so they can discover their God-given vocation. Preparing our children for life means we slowly prepare our own hearts for the moment they will leave the nest, so we don’t hang on and destroy their adulthood, so we don’t hover over their relationships, their marriages and hurt their mission.

*This is by no means an exhaustive list of principles and truths, just some that I’ve been reflecting on lately. 

Feb
26
2013

5 Reasons We Don’t Share Our Faith

Let’s face it. As Christians, we all know we are supposed to share our faith. Most of us have heard countless sermons on the importance of evangelizing. But . . . most of us don’t take the time to do it. Or we do, but not nearly as much as we should. So what’s the problem? Why don’t Christians share the good news of the gospel message?

Looking at my own life, my own disobedience in this area, I’ve found five reasons we aren’t more vocal about telling others what we ourselves believe:

1) We don’t share our faith because we don’t realize we have a mission. The command to follow Christ as a disciple, as an ambassador, as a proclaimer of the good news is just that . . . a command. And yet if we were honest, most of the time we treat our mission in this world as something that is optional. We look at the calling of a Christian, to die to ourselves, to take up the cross, as something we should do, if we have time. We don’t take our mission seriously. Or we think that perhaps this mission was given only to a select few specialists, such as the pastor or the missionary. This is why the world hardly notices a difference between God’s people and the rest of the world. We are so preoccupied with our own well-being, our own survival or success, that we blow off the mission of God.

2) We don’t share our faith because we misunderstand our mission. Even if we want to obey the sending mission of God, we often fail because we misunderstand the mission. Let me explain. I think much of the fear that keeps Christians from sharing the good news of the gospel with their friends and neighbors and coworkers stems from a confusion of two things: method and message. Sometimes we confuse the method with the message. So to evangelize means to dump the entire book of Romans on an unsuspecting mall clerk or it means reciting a memorized spiel of the steps to salvation. But while methods are good–they change with the audience. Paul knew this and so he didn’t necessarily try out the same method on every people group. When we do this, when we put so much confidence in a few Christianese phrases and memorized, out-of-context verses, we end up sounding like a salesman for something we don’t really want to sell. I think much of the fear would go away if we, instead, relied on the Holy Spirit to guide us in each interaction, if we resisted impatience, and worked to build long-term relationships that can one day lead to conversion. What if we were so in love with the gospel message, if we never lost our awe and wonder, if we made it a lifetime study? Perhaps that passion would so fill our souls that it would leak out into every single sphere of life and thus . . . the good news would be less of a canned pitch and more of a lifestyle. The gospel is good news, after all.

3) We don’t share our faith because we misunderstand the Holy Spirit’s mission. Many evangelistic methods, while good and helpful and fruitful, put an emphasis on “closing the deal.” We mistakenly think that it is the cleverness of our methods that turns a soul from death to life. But it is the Holy Spirit who does the work of regeneration in a heart, it is God who saves people, not mere men. Our job is to articulate, to share, to proclaim and then we must trust the Spirit to do the work we cannot do. I want to be careful here, because part of our mission is to persuade  to exhort, to call people to repentance and faith. Yet it is God who saves, always. Every time. Releasing ourselves from the pressure to “close the deal” and “make the sale” allows us to be faithful. It releases us from the humanistic thinking that wrongly puts confidence in a method. It often takes several contacts in a person’s life before the Spirit helps them understand the message of the Gospel. Sometimes you may be the person present when someone trusts Christ and in doing so, you see the harvest of many years of careful work by others. And at times it may be that your first conversation with an unbeliever is just the mustard seed that the Spirit implants in their heart, a seed that others will water and see brought to full flower.

4) We don’t share our faith because we misunderstand what it means to be a friend of the world. There is a certain tension in Scripture. On the one hand we are called to be different from the world. We are called to live above the world. We are citizens of another kingdom. Christians should live and think and act differently than nonChristians. And yet, we are called to go into the world and make disciples of Jesus. We are to bring the gospel to the farthest reaches of the planet. Sometimes we put such an emphasis on our difference that we intentionally avoid unbelievers. But while we are called to live differently, we are also called to live among the lost of the world. If we are really on mission in our communities, if our commission from the Lord is to spread the fame of his name among all peoples, we need to start making intentional connections. It’s hard to share Christ with people we don’t actually know. It’s hard to love people from a distance. As our culture becomes more and more post-Christian, it will become even more important for Christians to develop intentional relationships with unbelievers. It’s pretty difficult to obey the Great Commission if we are never actually exposed to people who don’t know Jesus.

5) We don’t share our faith because we are ashamed of our identity. Christians should be wise to articulate the gospel in the way that most suits their audience. But even if we perfectly “get out of the way” of the gospel, there is a point where the cross of Christ becomes a point of conflict. Some will embrace the message of salvation and others will reject it. And sometimes our refusal to evangelize is tied to our desire to be liked by the people who may not like Jesus. We don’t want to be social martyrs. We don’t want to be uncool. We don’t want to lose friendships and alienate important people. So we stay silent. But the call of the gospel is the call to come and die, the call to give up our prestige, our desire to be affirmed by the world. We shouldn’t be obnoxious jerks. We should be kind, loving, gracious, giving, generous. But we can sometimes do all these things and still be considered a backwards bigot, simply for loving Jesus. It’s a question of what we value. Do we value the limitless grace of the gospel that brought us from the enslavement of sin to the arms of the Father or do we value our own fleeting approval by world system? The way to get motivated to share the good news is not by guilt or manipulation, but by plunging once again into the heart of the very gospel itself.

Feb
13
2013

5 Things Every Son Needs to Hear From His Dad

By God’s good grace, I’m the father of four beautiful children: three girls and one boy. Last week I wrote about the 5 things a daughter must hear from her dad. Today I want to talk about fathers and sons.

Just as there is something wonderful about being the father of daughters, there is something wonderful about being the father of a son. In my house, Daniel Jr (4) and I are outmatched four-to-one by girls, so we sort of stick together to make sure everything is not painted pink, some football gets watched on a regular basis, and that we watch as many superhero movies as Barbie movies.

Seriously though, the job of raising a son is a noble and important task. It is a job many men abdicate, leading to what is now a full-blown crisis in our country: a crisis of fatherhood. Look up the statistics when you have time and you will see that a very high percentage of young men in prison experienced little or no involvement from Dad. In my pastoral role, I’ve seen the devastating effects of a father’s absence or lack of leadership in the life of his son.

Fathering your sons is a serious job, men. And so in that spirit, I’d like to offer five things every son needs to hear from his father:

1) You are loved. Every boy needs to hear and know that his father loves him. Without this affirmation, a man carries deep wounds that affect his most important relationships. I’ve talked to men at all stages of life who yearn to hear those magic words that mean the most when they come from Dad: I love you. Today, my son is only four years old, so it’s easy for me to do this. I suspect as he gets older, it will become a bit more awkward. But I plan on doing it still. Behind the sometimes rough exterior of every young boy is a heart that longs to experience the love of his father. What you don’t realize is that the first image your boy will have of his Heavenly Father will be the image of the human father looking down on him. So tell your boy you love him.

2) I’m proud of you. I can’t tell you how many men I know who, to this day, are still living their lives in search of their fathers’ approval. Down deep in their hearts they wonder, Am I good enough? Did I make it? Is Dad proud? I’m learning that it’s important for us dads to be hard on our sons in many ways (see below), but we should never withhold our approval. They need to know, at periodic junctures in their lives, that they measure up, that there is nothing they have to do to earn our favor. Sure, at times they will disappoint and they should know and feel this. And yet we should not be taskmasters who, in trying to motivate our sons to greatness, withhold the very ingredient that will fuel their success: confidence. I’m reminded of God’s approval of Jesus as His Son was baptized by John the Baptist. “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. (Matthew 3:17; Mark 19:35). Yes, there are important theological ramifications to that phrase beyond mere approval, but still I can’t help see God’s approval for Jesus as a model for our relationship with our sons. If your son doesn’t make Division 1, if he gets accepted into a school other than Harvard, if he becomes a truck driver instead of a pastor, don’t ever give him the impression you like him less. Don’t damage his soul this way.

3) You are not a slacker, you’re a soldier. Today the culture presents such a confusing picture of manhood. What is a man supposed to be, anyways? Pop culture tells him he’s sort of unnecessary and the best he can do is idle away his adolescence by satisfying his sexual urges, simulating warfare with a joystick, and lacking any kind of noble ambition. But God did not make your son or my son to be a slacker, but a soldier. Now don’t get uptight about the word soldier. It’s okay to encourage our sons to be masculine. This doesn’t have to mean a deer hunting, truck driving survivalist. Plenty of real men sip lattes, drive minivans, and hate camouflage (guys like me). There is a vision of manhood in the Bible, one of nobility and strength, of sacrifice and courage. A real man fights for what he loves. A real man cherishes the woman God gives him. He doesn’t exploit her. A real man pursues that calling God has stamped upon his soul, one that is discovered through intimacy with God, identification with gifts and talents, and meeting the world’s deep needs (to paraphrase Buechner). Nobody can help guide our sons along their mission more than us fathers. Let’s not leave our sons’ futures to chance. Let’s stand beside them, modeling for them what it looks like to live on purpose.

4) Hard Work is a Gift, Not a Curse. Idleness, laziness, and indecision are the devil’s best tools for ruining the lives of young men. Guys, our sons needs to see us work hard and to be encouraged, made to work hard. They need to see that work is harder because of the Fall, but was actually given by God to experience His pleasure. Getting our hands dirty, straining, struggling, sweating–these are all good things, not bad. Sadly many young men have not seen what it actually looks like for a man to work. Let’s show them that work brings joy. Work honors God. Work done well brings glory to the creator. It may be done with fingers on a keyboard or by swinging an ax-head or by maneuvering a fork lift. It can be done in air-conditioned offices, muddy swamps, and underneath a car. But make no mistake: work matters and what we do with our hands, done well, is a testament to the Creator.

5) You are gifted, but you are not God. Let’s imbue our sons with a sense of confidence, of approval, of dignity. But let’s remind them that while they are gifted by the Creator, they are actually not God. Let’s teach them that genuine masculinity doesn’t strut. It bows. It picks up a towel and washes feet. A real man is as comfortable praying as he is preaching. He knows that his strength isn’t found in his exploits or what he thinks people think of him. His strength comes from God. This humility will fuel his compassion and will allow him to forgive those who deeply wound him. Let’s let our sons know that their lives really begin, not when they walk down the aisle at 18 or when they get their first employment contract or when they fall in love with a woman. Their lives began on a dusty hill 2,000 years ago, at the foot of a Roman cross, where justice and forgiveness met in the bloody sacrifice of their Savior. Let’s teach them that to live their whole lives without Jesus is like playing a concerto on the deck of the Titanic. It’s beautiful while it lasts, but it ultimately ends with sorrow. If we do anything at all with our sons, men, let’s point them to the Jesus we know.

Feb
06
2013

5 Things Every Daughter Needs to Hear From Her Dad

I’m a father of four beautiful children, three of whom are girls. My oldest daughter is eight years old and with each passing year since her birth, I’ve become more conservative when it comes to all things that pertain to my girls. I’m not a gun enthusiast, but I could be if it meant standing at the porch waiting for the first guy who dares to ask one of my daughters on a date.

Seriously though, I love having daughters. There is something about having a daughter that softens a man, adds a certain tenderness to his soul. In that spirit, I’d like to share five things every daughter needs to hear from her father:

1) You are beautiful and you are loved. This is something you should tell your daughter at least once a day and probably more than that. Telling her once every so often doesn’t cut it. I’m no psychologist, but daughters who know their father loves them grow up with more confidence and tend to avoid looking for love in all the wrong places. Hearing she is beautiful is oxygen for your daughter’s soul. So do it often, in different and creative ways.

2) Your mother is beautiful and she is loved. The best gift you can give your daughter is to show her how a man treats a woman. Let her see modeled in you, however imperfectly, the God-given love between a man and a woman. Tell your wife daily that she is beautiful, that you love her, and that you are glad you married her. Tell her you are committed to her for life. And say these things, periodically, in front of your children.

3) You belong to God and were created for his glory. Girls frequently battles insecurity over a number of issues: their weight, their looks, their friends. Maybe sometimes they feel unimportant or unwanted, even in a home with love. This is why you, as a father, should remind them often that they are special creations formed lovingly by the Creator in His image. You should read with them the words of David, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made,” from Psalm 139. That passage should be well-worn in your Bible and something internalized by your daughters for moments of doubt.

4) You are forgiven. Your girls will mess up. They will sin. They will disappoint you. And if you don’t have the good news of the gospel at the center of your family, she may grow up wondering how to measure up or what to do with her sins. Evangelize your daughter and then disciple her. Train in her in the vital Christian practice of repentance and forgiveness. Repentance for her sin and forgiveness of others’ sins. Let her know that Christ is always ready with fresh supplies of grace. Let her know that she must apply that grace not only to herself, but toward others who will wound her.

5) You are accepted. Whatever you do, don’t let your daughter consume the poison of the culture which measures a woman’s worth by her independence, by her ability to give away freely her purity. Don’t for a moment let her swallow the lie that sexual license is anything but a bondage of the worst kind, the enemy’s way of stealing the creativity and beauty and purpose for which she was created. Teach her what to look for in a man (hint: not the slackers you see on TV). Also: be that man so she knows what it looks like. Make her aware of the beautiful image of womanhood painted by the Creator. Her acceptance, her sense of self, her worth are bound up in her unique calling as God’s daughter.

*Next week I’ll share a similar list for fathers and their sons.

Jan
15
2013

5 Reflections for the Pro-Life Movement

40 years ago, the Supreme Court issued its infamous Roe-v-Wade decision, making legal abortion the law of the land. Since then, there has been a pitched battle between those who (like me) consider abortion to be the savage ending of innocent and helpless life and those who consider it a tragic, yet viable option for pregnant women in distress. This issue has shaped our public discourse, influenced local elections, and has galvanized millions into political activism.

Many feel that the the pro-life position has gained in the popular culture. Polls seem to indicate that younger generations may be even more pro-life than their parents. And yet, abortion still remains the law the land and millions of babies are sent to their premature deaths every year. So what is next for the pro-life movement? Here are five reflections for a 21st-century pro-life movement. 

1) The Prolife Movement Should Model Wilberforce’s Endurance and Courage

William Wilberforce is a model for the pro-life movement in that he spent an entire life devoted to ending the slave trade in Britain. There were no overnight successes, but a long, steady, courageous battle to win over the English public and to shepherd legislation through the Parliament. It was a long hard slog filled with many defeats and disappointments. For much of his life, Wilberforce was on the wrong end of public opinion, a minority, an extremist for his views. And yet God gave him the courage and backbone to hang in there. The prolife movement still has much work to do to convince the public that abortion should be wrong. It still requires courage to move legislation forward and get it signed into law. Some question the commitment and feel Christians should abandon the issue. But if abortion is a moral evil, then we should not tire in seeing it abolished permanently.

2) The Prolife Movement Should Primarily Invest In Crisis Pregnancy Centers

It disgusts me when I see the amount of money spent each year by conservative donors on candidates. I only imagine if half that money were donated to crisis pregnancy centers, where real lives are being saved each day. In my next book I devote an entire chapter to the largely unheralded success of these places. They run on shoe-string budgets and are largely staffed by dedicated volunteers who share love and kindness with scared, lonely, often-victimized young girls. These are places of hope and help, not simply for the unborn, but for young mothers. Many offer parenting counseling, give away supplies like diapers and baby formula. Our church supports a local center every year with a baby bottle donation campaign and some of our members volunteer at a thrift shop that supports the center. But sadly, most Christians are only prolife every four years. They are prolife in that they have a good reason to bash Democrats or liberals. But that’s the extent of their work. But a real prolife ethic is devoted not primarly to politics, but to saving one baby at time, whether it’s an unborn baby, a trafficked young girl, or an immigrant. It’s easy to be prolife every four years in November. It takes work to save the life in front of you.

3) The Prolife Movement Should Reframe The Issue as Justice Issue

The siren call of today’s generation of young activists is justice. And this is good, because God is a God of justice and calls His children to be on the side of justice. The prolife movement needs to adopt 21st-century language, to capture the hearts and minds of young evangelicals who are prolife but have a visceral distaste for the bombastic politics of the religious right. I think there are two ways to accomplish this rebranding. First, the prolife movement should break free from the conservative movement and stand on it’s own. In other words, there are young evangelicals who may be prolife, but who don’t subscribe to all the tenets of political conservatism. This would enable the movement to be more nimble, to engage and join common cause with people of all political stripes to save innocent children from death. Secondly, the movement should adopt a more holistic version of prolife. We shouldn’t simply champion the unborn, but we should fight human trafficking and join other causes that defend human life.

4) The Prolife Movement Should Not Make Women the Enemy 

So-called “war on women” is mostly a media creation, a caricature of prolife activists. Most pro-lifers I know are generous, giving, compassionate souls. Still, there are some whose articulation of pro-life views hurts the cause. Abortion is a sensitive issue. In championing the unborn we should not disrespect the very difficult choices faced by young women. We should be winsome in our public words and actions. Too often issues like abortion are used only to create enemies out of those who disagree. And the issue has been often used, by both political parties, to gain power. But perhaps this generation of activists will embrace engagement over demonizing. Perhaps we can find common ground and reduce the number of abortions. Not one baby is saved from death by using the issue as a sledgehammer against those who disagree. And let’s offer forgiveness and hope for those who have made the tragic choice to end a life, pointing them to the grace found in Christ.

5) The Prolife Movement Should Continue to Shape the Culture

According to Gallup, only 41% of Americans consider themselves pro-choice. That’s a  historic low. I think this is the result of many things, including the development and wide use of ultra-sound technology, creative attempts to shape the media culture, and a younger generation keenly focused on justice for the vulnerable. And yet we have more work to do. We need politicians to craft pro-life legislation, but what we need more is a culture willing to accept such legislation. Politicians largely respond to movements in the broader culture. So more creative media, more education, more small victories. 

We also need to address the factors that lead to abortion, particularly the crisis of fatherlessness. Abortion is downstream from the breakdown of the family. So while we fight the wanton destruction of human life, let’s recommit to strengthening the family, building up of our local churches, and preaching the life-saving message of the gospel.

Dec
18
2012

5 Things I’ve Learned in Ten Years of Marriage

Last month, on November 22nd, Angela and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. I’m not an expert on marriage and by some standards I’m still a rookie. But I have learned a few things in these ten wonderful years. Here they are, in no certain order:

1) I’m not naturally a good husband. Before I tied the knot, I was convinced I’d be a great husband. Some lucky girl would be praising the Lord daily that she nabbed me. How wrong I was, really. Rather, I was the blessed one, having snared a women as patient and loving as my wife Angela. What I’ve learned is that I am not naturally a good husband. I have to really, really work at it. Naturally I’m selfish, proud, and tend to see things only my way. To be a good husband I must do two things: I must work at loving my wife intentionally and I must rely on the Spirit of God to change my heart. If you’re not yet married, you won’t realize this until you do get married. And then this reality will hit you in waves.

2) It really isn’t good for men to be alone. Those words uttered by the Triune God in the Garden of Eden are actually true. Nothing changes a man quite like being married to a good, godly woman. I can say that for myself. When you commit to being and staying married for the long haul, you are committing to a relationship that will refine you as a man. It will shave off your worst instincts. It will domesticate you in a good way. It will mature you. Today I am dependent in many ways on my wife. Not simply for what she does for me, but the companionship, the togetherness. I don’t like it when she is out of town or away. I feel like half of my life is missing. God designed life to be this way.

3) Love grows deeper over time. There is a richness to long-lasting marital love that is hard to describe in words. When you are married, you go through tremendous highs and lows as a couple. You will endure crushing defeats. You will enjoy soaring heights. You will suffer pain together. And you will laugh together. All of these times only add muscle to your love, they build your relationship. If you are willing to hang in there and suffer and laugh and cry and forgive and repent together, you will, at the end, find a love that is far richer than the plastic, Hollywood, fake infatuation you think you desire.

4) The gospel is the indispensable key to your marriage. And when I say “gospel” I don’t simply mean, “Make sure you marry someone who shares your faith.” Yes, yes, and amen to that one. But it’s more than that. Marriage requires that each of you believe the gospel so deeply that you live it out. It means the husband is willing to die literally and figuratively for his wife. It means there is a oneness that is a small picture of the intimacy shared by the Trinity. It means you dig deep on forgiveness, extending grace to the one whose wounds can hurt you the most. And you quickly repent when it is you who is doing the wounding. It means you don’t projet some kind of impossible standard on your spouse, but accept him or her as a sinner being slowly sanctified by God’s grace. It means you, like Jesus, love your spouse at his or her worst because you will want him or her to love you at your worst. Believing the gospel means you don’t see your marriage as a happiness vehicle for your pleasure, but as a witness of the grand narrative of the Bible to a watching world.

5) Every day you spend with your spouse is a day for which you should praise God. If you are a husband, realize that your wife is a gift from God. If you are a wife, realize that your husband is a gift from God. Somedays it doesn’t seem like your spouse is a gift.  And some days you are not so much a gift to her. But the longer you are married, for as many years as you are gifted together, you will thank God for bringing her to you. I think this way often, when I see the way my wife enriches my life, cares for our children, and does so many things in the community. I’m grateful for God giving her to me. And if you are married, you too should be this grateful for the one to whom you are united by God.