How God Uses Relationships to Make You Better
Everyone wants to be better. Self-improvement gurus call it, well, self-improvement. Wise people and many in the church call it growth. The Bible calls this process sanctification. And for the Christian, sanctification is not merely the process by which you become a nice, better person. Pretty much all religions and even quasi-non religions do that. Even Richard Dawkins, I’m thinking, is okay with growth.
Sanctification is something deeper, better, richer. The Bible asserts a bold idea that Christians–those who believe, know and follow Jesus Christ–have something deeper going onside them. They have God in them through the presence of the Holy Spirit. Christianity, at it’s truest form, is not really about getting better by self-improvement, but about dying to your old self and seeing the life of Christ form in you. It’s a spiritual thing. It’s a supernatural thing. But how does God accomplish this? Or, perhaps a better question, what tools does God use?
Well, we know first of all that the agent of change is the Holy Spirit. And we know that He uses the Word of God to penetrate our hearts, cut us deep, and bring about change. The Word delivered, both in private reading and corporate preaching, brings about renewed thinking and renewed thinking brings about new behaviors, new loves, new affections.
But there is another tool that we often overlook, a powerful factor in sanctification. We change through God-ordained, dynamic relationships. In fact, I might argue that relationships, outside of the Word itself, are the primary instrument by which God changes us. This is why the New Testament is pretty clear that faith in Christ is best lived out in community.
Let me explain this. When I was a single guy, I thought I was a pretty spiritual guy. I did my devotions every day. I was faithful attending church. I read widely. But then I got married. This new relationship, a daily, 24 hour/7 days a week committment to another person, revealed areas of sin and selfishness I didn’t know I had. And my committment to my marriage forced me to change. In other words, God used my wife, who is very different than me, to change me. As a husband, I’m forced to adapt to Angela. I have to die to some of my needs and desires. I have to repent, daily, of sins against her and have to forgive, daily her sins against me. I grow. I change. And ten years later, though far, far from perfect, I’m an altogether different man.
This process only ramped up when I had children. Four of them. They test my patience, my leadership, reveal further selfishness and sins in me. And so the process of sanctification grows. And in much smaller ways, God has used coworkers, staffers, colleagues, family members, even those who’ve hurt me. They are not here by accidents, but are instruments of sanctification for my good.
Community is where the gospel is most lived out. Every day you rub up against certain people who are different than you. And you have to love, tolerate, forgive, repent. You have to adapt, sacrifice and grow.
Now you might say that this process is the same for those who are not Christians and to a certain extent that is true. But for believers, we have the Spirit in us, convicting us of our sin. We have the gospel dynamic in our relationships, motivating and empower us to forgiveness and grace.
Why does this matter? This matters because it affects our perspective. We should see other people in our lives not as irritants, but as divine tools sent by God for our sanctification. So that irascible boss–perhaps God put him in your world to chip off parts of your old self that needed chipping off. That troublesome child that tests your patience. Perhaps its God wanting to work on your heart and soul to bear the fruits of the Spirit.
Every single relationship for a Christian is an opportunity for sanctification and growth. This is why the idea of Western individual spirituality–me and God–actually hurts the process of change.
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To what extent do I continue to forgive in a marriage? When I find him in sexual morality, lying, deliberately finding a reason to throw things or be verbally abusive. isn't there a point when I should say enough is enough?
Brenda,
That\’s a difficult question. I would encourage you to talk to your pastor and a local Christian counselor. I do believe that there are times, when after exhausting every opportunity to mend a marriage, that the Bible gives grounds for those who are victims of things like adultery and abuse and other violations. We\’ll pray for you.
Brenda, I am so sorry you are being hurt so much. I will pray for you during this difficult time. Here is a great quote from Corrie ten Boom; "if you look at the world you'll be distressed, if you look within you'll be depressed. But if you look at Christ you'll be at rest."
Brenda, there is such a thing as "tough love" which is standing on your personal boundaries of how you should be treated in love in order to prod the other one to face the behaviors they are perpetrating…. to love and forgive is not to be a door mat to however others want to treat you. We all have innate value and worth from God… we choose to lay down our rights to a spouse out of love for God and love for the spouse, but we do not have to choose to be a party to a relationship where one is not taking ownership of their misbehavior. I really see that as enabling the other to continue in their wrong rather than to confront, in love, the behavior and put up boundaries of how you expect to be treated- respectfully, honestly, faithfully, etc.
There is such a difference, to me, of laying down one's life in love to another, and ending up being the doormat to someone who really is not taking responsibility nor caring about how they act.
L
Brenda, I was in a marriage for 24 yrs when my husband walked out for his high school who he moved in with 6 months later, battled me in court for 3 more yrs and is marrying her this month. For years I would have told anyone we had a great marriage when in fact he was extremely verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. I ran circles around him attempting to please him yet never could and blamed myself. As a result, our sons who are now 22 and 26 have zero respect for me or women and our 12 yr old daughter has boys her age bullying her all the time despite her being an attractive young lady yet one with no self confidence. I stayed with their father because it was the Christian thing to do and because I truly believed I was at fault. It took four years of counseling for me to see I was 50% of the problem, but never the reasons I thought. I highly recommend the book "Women Who Love Too Much" and Attachments: Why you love feel and act the way you do." The first is a secular book but gives excellent understanding into why women put up with abuse. The second book is by a Christian author; a must read for anyone. You'll understand yourself and your husband better than you ever have in your life. My best to you and your husband. I'm not a divorce advocate. If you can afford it, my suggestion is separation and a lot of counseling. It's HARD out here. I believe God hates divorce not because it's a worse sin but because of the rippling effect on so many people, people you'd never think it matters but it does. The pain is nothing at all like the pain you feel now. It's death pain but the person is still alive. If I could do it all over, I would have focused on myself and my responses to him rather than blamed him and had so much self pity. God could have worked on both of us then.
Love quotes are not all about relationships for the most important love of all is the Love of God.